I wanted to cover here the subject of worrying, and what we can do if its something we're concerned about: we're doing it too much or we've been doing it for too long for example.
Quick caveat to begin with. There are lots of life situations that can be difficult for us, and to try and say 'Just don't worry about it' is not helpful. What we're focusing on here is what we can do if worrying has started to become a problem for us - we can't or don't want to do something about the situation we're in, but we do want to do something about the worrying.
You could no doubt make your own list here, but I wanted firstly to propose some reasons that are worth mentioning as to how worrying can fulfill a need in us. I'm mentioning these only as I'd like you to ask yourself whether any of these apply to you, so that you can acknowledge it, as a first step to doing something about it:
- It can give us something to 'identify' ourselves with: this problem IS me
- It's in keeping with a victim mentality, if thats how we're feeling
- It can prevent us from getting on with what's really important in our lives and that needs addressing, and gives us something to focus on, useful especially if we are thereby blocking out something unpalatable or unpleasant
- It gives us an excuse not to get on with the things we know we should: "How can I get on with things/my life when I'm pre-occupied with this?" and "I'll get on with once I've moved on from this"
Bit harsh perhaps, but some of us will recognise at least one of the above. Whether you're a 'hard-core' worrier, and you identify 100% with the foregoing, or whether you're a part-time fretter - and notwithstanding the reasons for it given above - worrying is a pretty pointless exercise, unless it leads us to action/to move on and deal with things.
What can we do about it? If it was simple, you'd have done it already no doubt. It probably requires action on a number of different fronts - the one I'd like to look at here is how you approach it mainly from a cognitive perspective, what you think about and how you think about it. If you are a worrier, let's acknowledge that:
YOU ARE NOT YOUR STORY/YOUR PROBLEM: you have a life story/a life situation, but you are not defined by it, there is more to you than that
What I mean here is that we can spend so long, so much time and effort focusing on that thing or those things that are wrong about ourselves or in our lives, that we don't leave room for anything else, and end up feeling that this is all there is to life, and this is who we are. As above, there is more to you than that, you are not just your past and what's happened to you for example, and there is a present and future for you, distinct from and separate to anything that's gone before.
YOU ARE NOT YOUR MIND: your mind is part of you, and 'dictates' things to you, but it's not all of you, and you are in charge of it, not the other way around
I'm focusing on this 'separate-ness', because
When you feel like
· life
· what's happening to you
· what the world is doing to you
· what others are doing to you etc
is unhelpful and uncontrollable and there's nothing you can do, it can be helpful to acknowledge that you CAN in fact control your thoughts and feelings, you CAN do something about them, and you are powerful. Yes, you are!!!
YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS
In connection with the mind and our thoughts, let's remember too that thoughts are just words in our mind. These words occupy us, they're our commentary, and help us to sort things out.................or not. As we've said before, our thinking dictates our feelings, so if you're thinking in ways that are unhelpful, and its leading to unhelpful feelings and perhaps behaviour, changing the way you think will help to change the way you feel.
How do we go about replacing unhelpful words/thoughts with more helpful ones, or maybe not having unhelpful chatter etc in our minds at all?
Thinking in unhelpful ways can lead to negative outcomes/symptoms in the four main response areas: PHYSICALLY - in your body, MENTALLY - how you think about things, EMOTIONALLY - how you feel and BEHAVIOURALLY - what you do, what you don't do. These four response areas are inextricably linked, so that if we feel bad or low emotionally, it can have negative physical implications, we can start behaving differently and so on. That's the bad news. The good news is that because this is a cyclical process, if we can make improvements in one of the areas, it will help in all of them. This means that, for example, if I'm physically fit, that's going to be helpful for me mentally.
A few examples of the sorts of things you can try
· If you're anxious, or just feeling tense, get some exercise, as this will reduce those feelings (won't solve all your problems I know, but it will be helpful)
· Deep breathing will help too if we're feeling wound up - its difficult to be tense when you are breathing deeply. We can try a basic breathing exercise, like the Benson Relaxation Method. You can try this at home, or at work. Once we're calm, thinking and behaving in helpful ways will be a lot easier.
· Distract yourself: do something else, occupy your mind with something different
· Change the script. We said earlier that thoughts are just words. Why don't I try changing the words, if the script is upsetting? So, if you can pin it down and identify something you're saying over and over again to yourself, try replacing that thought with another one - it can be innocuous or non-sensical even, just as long as it's different, and as a result produces different results (i.e. un-troubling). This can be a useful technique if you're worrying and can't sleep at night: replace the unhelpful (train of) thought with something else. You can only think of one thing at a time, so there won't be room for something unhelpful
· Have you tried writing things down? Get things out of your head and onto the page, perhaps in conjunction with the last point. You can either keep, and develop, what you've written, or ceremonially scrunch up the piece of paper, and throw it in the bin (where it belongs!!) Alternatively, draw a line down the middle of a piece of A4 paper - or type it up if that's better for you - and have a two-way conversation between yourself and your own personal coach/confidant(e):
ME COACH/CONFIDANT(E)
I'm feeling a bit anxious
What about exactly?
Problem is I'm not 100% sure
Is this at home or at work?
Both really. What's happened
is that I've got into a position
where I can't think straight and
everything's getting on top of me
How has it been affecting you?
(And so on)
This has the benefit of getting things out, and we can then start to get to work on doing something about it.
DON'T CONNECT WITH AND IDENTIFY WITH YOUR PROBLEMS/UNHELPFUL THOUGHTS
We're looking here to disengage with what's worrying us, and so avoid the thoughts and feelings that we find unhelpful. If we can engage with the 'here and now', and be mindful, and 'present', and notice what's happening/not happening, moment to moment, and be aware, it's less likely we'll fill our heads with any troubling thoughts, worries or concerns. If you're interested in mindfulness and would like to learn more, have a look at 'Mindfulness in Plain English'.
Let's try and imagine you could disconnect and separate yourself and look dispassionately at your worrisome thoughts. How would that feel? How would you feel emotionally about that? Try it for 10 seconds, then half a minute, then a whole minute.
HAVE SOME 'WORRY' TIME
This is where you dedicate a particular period of the day for worrying - your 'Worry Time' - and worry for that set period, but then for the rest of the day you're not allowed to worry. You could allow yourself a couple of slots a day, for 20 mins or half an hour (but maybe don't make one close to bed-time).
